Personalized Approaches to Healing

“If I am authentic, people will leave me.”

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and expert on addiction and trauma, often speaks about the fear of authenticity and its roots in early childhood experiences. He describes this fear in his work, explaining that many individuals grow up with the belief that "If I am authentic, people will leave me." This belief stems from childhood environments where expressing one's true self led to rejection or punishment. As a result, individuals learn to suppress their authenticity to maintain connections and avoid abandonment. Maté's

insights emphasize the profound impact of early relationships on our ability to be authentic in adulthood and the importance of addressing these deep-seated fears in the healing process (Maté, 2011).

Clients who hold childhood attachment trauma have come to therapy because outwardly they have not been able to feel connected to others, including partners, friends, and work colleagues. They sometimes may present with episodes of dissociation, “zoning out,” or “detaching,” maybe feeling like they are not really present in the room. They may describe being in a room full of people but feeling utterly alone, coupled with anxiety, worry, and internal negative beliefs about themselves and their own worth or purpose. Taking the initial step and admitting they need help is difficult because they may have had a past where showing weakness resulted in being treated worse, being told to “suck it up,” or being berated for not being “grateful” for what they have when making a simple suggestion. Some may have a fear of providers, therapists, and doctors due to experiences of being talked down to.

The most important role the therapist plays for clients who experience this type of trauma is holding an unconditional positive regard, even when the client reports past behaviors that general society may turn their nose up at. In order for a therapist to be able to hold this stance, they must be able to recognize their own internal dialogue while in session with the client. 

For Example:

Client: “I feel like a really bad person because last week I got into a fight with someone that I thought was looking at my girlfriend. I got kicked out of the bar and then later fought with my girlfriend and told her she is worthless to me.”

Therapist Might Think: Wow, that reminds me of when I was with a controlling partner. This person isn’t nice.

Therapist catches self: Oh yeah, that is a judgmental thought I just had. I must have been personally impacted by that statement from something I experienced.

Therapist Remembers: The client is already in therapy because they want to stop these behaviors, and that is a huge strength. Let me continue to dig further into this for them.

Therapist says back: “It sounds like it was difficult to think about someone else being interested in your partner. Tell me more about that.”

This method, known as reflective listening, happens repeatedly in therapy as the client feels comfortable opening up. According to Carl Rogers, “Unconditional positive regard means accepting and respecting others as they are without judgment or evaluation.” Reflective listening, coupled with unconditional positive regard, helps create a safe and non-judgmental space for clients to explore their thoughts and feelings (Rogers, 1957). 

The reason people do not always get results talking to just a friend or family member is that not everyone is trained to set aside their own internal judgments, defense mechanisms, and control their responses to provide a completely safe environment. Therapy, on the other hand, is an intentional, safe, and sacred space where therapists are required to set aside their own biases to help others, and they are trained and compensated for possessing this skill. You should be able to feel safe being your “rotten, dirty, true self” in order to dissect what triggers these feelings and behaviors. In the end, everyone wants to do their best, and exploring your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with a trusted therapist can genuinely help.

References: 

Maté, G. (2011). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books.

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95-103.